Hello everyone,
I first have to apologize I have not been on here much in the past year. I've neglected many of my comments, I haven't commented on my followers work and I have barely submitted any art myself. This wasn't intentional and I have missed being on this website every day that I have not gotten on here.
Over the next month I will get on and start submitting to groups again and reply to all of my comments that have backed up. I know that I haven't posted a journal entry since I got married.
Things have not been good over here and I have had a rough handful of months. My job has been grueling to say the least. I've been going head to head with my boss who wants me out of the store. She has given me two write ups in the past year as a performance issue rather than working on guiding me or training me and has blamed me for her failings and short comings over the past year. And each write up has been an issue that has nothing to do with me directly I'm just being used as a scapegoat in the store. Not only that she has continued with her religious comments against me in private so I can't use it to my advantage... and she made sure she destroyed my new year by taking away my bonus, destroying my vacation to see my family by me not getting that bonus and putting me in a position to either get fired if I stay in my position, force me to step down and loose all of the money I've worked for or quit and put me and Ivan in a worse financial situation.
And, that has just been in the past month. Not only that I was helping a friend by hiring on someone she went to college with who had been having a hard time finding work, was having medical, emotional and financial issues and needed help. I was giving him an opportunity and trying to help him work through some of his problems when right before Christmas he committed suicide. I was the one who took the phone call at work and broke down in a panic attack and had to tell my best friend what happened.
On top of that I seriously sprained my right wrist at work when I fell on a table right before Christmas. Up until a few days ago I had been in a splint for 6 weeks and I could barely write let alone draw. I wasn't even allowed to use my wrist at one point because they thought I might make it worse or even break it.
My boss however cared about none of that and has used it against me over the past year and even told my doctor that she didn't care about my injury I still had a job to do. And when crisis management came for my friend to the store and to counsel us, my boss barely blinked an eye at what happened and even the therapist said she seemed like she just wanted it to go away.
She has used everything about me to try and push me out of that store because I'm not like her and doesn't want to give me the time of day. From the way the associates talk to me and not her, from the way I choose to dress, my medical condition, everything with my friend, to my lack of training and guidance and my religion to push me out.
Of course I can't use any of it against her because it's all behind closed doors where I have no witnesses and she uses words that make her seem like she is not doing anything wrong.Then I hear about all of it behind my back. Tomorrow I have to go in and tell her I am stepping down before I blow up at her and completely loose my job. The economy is too fragile for me to do that, even though I would love to. I want to through my store keys at her and tell her she can go to hell. But, I can't and wont do that.
I haven't decided yet if this is a blessing in disguise or not. If maybe this is happening so it can force me to do what I've needed to do all along and just focus on my artwork. I've got people who want me to do work for them and projects that need starting and finishing. But with my wrist, my lack of time and what this job has done to me I feel too overwhelmed to start any of them. I'm hopinh that even though I will be taking a serious pay cut that I will still be able to survive while I look for another better job and focus on what's important to me.
Right now my self esteem is shot, I don't feel well. I feel lonely and tired. I need some motivation back and even some guidance. But so far nothing has helped or happened.
I wanted to let everyone know what was happening and why I had not been on here. And, because I couldn't sleep I needed to get this off of my chest.